Germantown resident and former Bartlett High graduate Julia Gray had a raw emotional reaction in the delivery room when she learned her ninth child, James, has Down syndrome.
“I was NOT happy,” she said. “… I didn’t want to be part of that club. No, I wasn’t happy at all. It didn’t take long before I got okay with it. But it’s not something I would have chosen.”
Today, he’s one of the lights of her life, imperfect but just right. And with help from a former Bartlett classmate, she has written a book telling his story. The Book about James, published in April, is about relieving fears and prejudices.
Many children with this chromosomal abnormality are diagnosed prenatally and aborted, out of fear, she said. She acknowledged that the idea of Down syndrome is scary, particularly for parents who haven’t been around people with this condition.
“Once you’re exposed, it’s just not that big of a deal,” she said.
The beginning
In the delivery room, right after James was born and she was reeling from the shock of learning his condition, her husband looked him over and said, well, he’s probably not going to be a jerk.
He was seeing the positive when she was not yet able to do so. With his help, the pain subsided, and she quickly learned to accept James just as he was. All children differ, and James was just … James.
“You try to put your child in this box of hope that you have for ’em, and they are going to bust out of it,” Gray said. “And then you’re going to discover it’s fine. It’s just fine.”
His siblings embraced him immediately, and Gray said he gets away with a lot. “And nobody has ever complained,” she said. “Nobody has even asked. They just all look out for him.”
Once he passed some developmental milestones as an infant, his life hasn’t been very different from her other children’s lives, she said. He’s had speech, occupational and physical therapy as early intervention to push him harder.
She worried he would be cognitively disabled but soon thought, “You know, who cares? He has a lot to offer.”
James is stubborn, guileless, sweet, funny and honest to a fault. She said, “As much as I didn’t want this to be part of my life, I wouldn’t change it if I could.”
And then another surprise was just around the corner. As he grew to preschool age, an old classmate of Gray’s from Bartlett High School’s class of 1983 was avidly reading her Facebook posts about her kids, enjoying her storytelling skills and weighing whether to suggest a joint project.
The book
Betty Collier, who still lives in Bartlett, spotted Gray’s posts on Facebook in 2009 and at first just enjoyed reading her stories from the sidelines.
“I read hers and saw she had nine children, and I was intrigued,” Collier said. “… I used to see the funny things she posted on Facebook, different things about her kids, and I just thought, ‘Wow, she’s got a busy life and it’s really interesting.’”
Collier started noticing the posts about James in particular and eventually realized he had special needs.
She knew that his mother was articulate, observant and unafraid to represent him honestly as a child with the normal range of flaws and endearing qualities.
She thought others would want to hear James’ mother tell his story.
“She has such a message for other people, and how she deals with life and the way she looks at things, everybody else needed to see what I saw,” Collier said.
Although a little scared to suggest a project as large as a book, Collier developed a project plan and in 2012 pitched it to Gray, who agreed.
Gray was excited but skeptical about her own abilities. “But she would give me tiny little assignments, and I would fulfill them — eventually. And then she would push me a little more. And I’d always feel defeated and like it couldn’t go on. And she’d twist it around and turn me on my head, and I’m like, ‘Okay, I can do this.’”
Collier had already written three previous books and initially envisioned doing the writing, but she said she was so pleased with Gray’s own skills that she instead became a writing coach and project manager.
Both women chuckled when Gray piped up, “She pushed. She drug. But kindly.”
About 1,000 days of online collaboration later, they were done.
The resulting book contains 21 standalone articles with a style that reminds Collier of the late author and motherly humorist Erma Bombeck.
Collier described Gray’s writing as funny, inspirational and encouraging without being preachy.
“It’s more of a heartfelt ‘This is really what it’s like.’ It may surprise some she’s so open and honest with her feelings, but at the same time she’s so hilarious you laugh through it and you cry through parts of it,” Collier said. “People have said it’s like an emotional rollercoaster because you go through her ups and downs. S0 many different emotions.”
When they worked with Xlibris to publish the book on Amazon.com, it hit the top spot in the special needs parenting category.
Meanwhile, James is nonchalant about his starring role in his mother’s literature.
He attends the Madonna Learning Center in Germantown and will be 9 on May 19. When his mother explained she’d written a whole book about him, he just said, “Yeah.”
Gray laughed. “He’s completely uninterested.”
Purchase information: At 104 pages, the slim volume published by Xlibris can be read at a page-gobbling pace and has been described as insightful, funny, honest and touching. Find the book online at Amazon.com in Kindle, paperback and hardcover formats. It also can be ordered at bricks-and-mortar bookstores like Barnes & Noble.
About the author
Gray and her husband have six children still living at home (ages 8 to 17), two adult children and another child who passed away. The family attends Riveroaks Reformed Presbyterian Church in Germantown.
Collier and her husband have two children, ages 16 and 20, and she works full time as a nurse case manager while staying passionate about her writing. The Collier family attends church at New Covenant in Raleigh.
Follow the book’s development through Collier’s blog entries.
Thank you so much Carolyn for writing such a beautiful article. You did an amazing job turning our interview with you into such a wonderful piece. I hope your readers enjoy learning more about “The Book about James” and what we have tried to accomplish. You have shared our writing journey very beautifully, and I greatly appreciate the opportunity to have this story featured in your newspaper!
Glad to help get the word out! Best wishes for a successful book signing and writing/coaching more books.
In the late 1980’s a TV show called “Life Goes On” brought Down Syndrome to light for those who had no experience with it. One of the family members “Corky”, who was mainstreamed in school, has Downs(and he really did). It showed many of the problems that families must face. Of course, I am sure it didn’t give a true picture but it helped people see that “Corky” was just himself-not the condition he was born with. The family would have missed so much without “Corky”. I can’t wait to buy the book.
I’m not familiar with the show, but it sounds like a very much needed one. It is so very helpful to bring to the attention of mainstream America these conditions that some don’t know anything about. How very true that Corky was just another person, not defined by Down syndrome. I think it is often misunderstood, and that is one of the reasons for writing this book, to eliminate fear and educate others about special needs in general, not just Down syndrome. Thank you for commenting, and I hope you enjoy the book.